Relationships and Marriage: Divorce: living without unity

ColoradoK,

Thanks for your post. There's a lot of stuff packed into it. I'm sorry that you're going through the frustration and hurt that you're feeling.

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It sounds like he's living like a single guy, not investing himself in the marriage. There can be reasons for that including some early marriage modeling. I'm not suggesting that it's justifiable, but if it's true, he may need to address some of those issues before he develops a more godly and healthy pattern.

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Your husband's contact with his former girlfriend isn't reasonable in your marriage. If he's a follower of Christ, he should understand that it serves to be a disservice to the commitment each of you have made to each other. Jerry Jenkins' Hedges: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It gives a man's perspective on ways to safeguard a marriage covenant. When spouses have opposite-sex friends, they really need to be friends of the couple together, not individually.

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I may be off base on this, but here's the impression I get- it sounds like he's afraid of being controlled by you. That's not to suggest you are or are not, it can have a whole lot more to do with a mother or father who was/is controlling of him. If there's any truth in that, he will need to face up to it. A person doesn't move forward in one's life without facing the wounds that get swept under the carpet. We can try, but we usually trip over the stuff under it.

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There are also several significant blended family issues as well. The Smart Stepfamily by Ron Deal might provide some practical help about navigating the streams of two families becoming one.

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You mentioned possibly asking him to leave. There are times when separation can be a valuable tool towards healing. Unfortunately, there are other times when it becomes the first step towards isolation and divorce. If you haven't read Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend, you might get ahold of it.

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I would encourage you to give us a call if you would like to speak with one of our counselors. I realize this response has been short, and there's more to be said. Please feel free to contact us. We would be honored to talk with you. Know that your situation matters to us!

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Glenn, LMFT

Focus on the Family counselor

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